* * your daily daisies * *

exams are merely a week or two away, so technically, it isnt the most appropriate time to enjoy this breather. but who cares? its just today.

like i’ve said before im probably inches away from the margin of the black hole of burn out. alas, the impromptu, heckcare, i dont give a shit break is here. occasionally, i’d sneak a peek at the notes but it wouldnt drive me up the wall, shouldn’t let it either. succumbing and celebrating this idleness comes only once every blue moon, guess i should grab it while its here.

 right now, life is defined as this dreadful weekend of morbidly intense mugging. when its over, i’m positive that itd transform into weekends of amusing, kaleidoscopic adventures. yum. whatever it’d be – idling at home, or ladies night, i dont care, because for sure, it’ll be better than this.

god is great, because it has started to rain.

besotted with meaningless senses of intoxication, oh, that thought drives me wild now. suppressed with the chore to study (because the exams are next week, in which i have yet to get started for real), i’m almost as equivalent to a bird trapped in that damned cage.

i’d digress and flip the pages through, entertaining random thoughts about how crisp the pages of my exercise book are. and uptight fiona tells me to be serious and focus. oh how wretched, those feelings.

immersion, something i’m never quite good at, but i’ll still try.

it doesnt stop; my human needs give in, im hungry, im thirsty, im this and that.

because the gingko nuts dont work, i need you to show me the way.

burn out at 22? this is ridiculous but the inevitable truth.

the questions that run through my head, often asking why can’t i go through university on a full time basis like every other kid my age. working and studying tires me out and im certainly angry at everything. who could blame me  anyway? i admit,  im just the average jane jealous of the privelleges of her peers.

i shouldn’t be suffering like that. the only thing that works now is positive thoughts. so let’s try to stay positive before stress induced illness takes advantage.

alcohol is a rod that fishes out the darkest emotions. it seduces you with its marvellous powers to soaring heights and destroys you when it starts to disappear. it taints your thoughts, confuses and contest against the very things you were fighting for.  

you only get up the next day with much disgust of your own thoughts.  

but exiting from this drunken stupor without succumbing to evil is an achievement.

of course some of my more less shallow friends might argue that what im writing about are real issues. truthfully speaking, i dont give two hoots (or even one) what feminism or class discrimination is all about. i hate history or anything that’s got to do with the victorian era, edwardian era or king henry VVIIIIIIII123445.

sighs. i wish i could write things which made more sense to me.

expect silence and absence.

trademark – tuktuks. scorching, but marvellous experience.

massages almost daily.

phi phi island was spectacular. i could help but admire the vast clear waters in awe.

more next time.

out.

its been one helluva tough ride for me. i cannot differentiate two simple things, hence, the indecisiveness. this pains everyone. times like these, i hate myself – for bringing so much unwanted emotional turmoil, for being unable to be courageous and do what is right for me.

that aside, ive been basking in the sun in the sunny island of thailand. gotten a tad bit browner than before and i dont care.

yes i know i ought to upload some beautiful pictures of the island. but i’ve lost the drive to be excited about anything. maybe next time.